Back story:

I was showing my family around Amsterdam, a city I had seen before, and while we were shopping, we popped into this classy looking coffee shop. And bought a “special” cupcake for everyone to share.

Ate some. Felt nothing an hour later, so ate some more. And then I got high the way you fall asleep: gradually and then all at once.

I could have summarized my thoughts into paragraphs, but it’s almost more authentic if I provide you with the unedited version. (Full text version at bottom).

FROM MY PHONE:

Moral of the story:

This experience confirmed my suspicions that weed and anxiety were gonna be a bad mix for me. As an anxious person who has avoided weed up until this point, my recommendation to anxious people would be to generally avoid it completely unless you have a backup plan (CBD) and know exactly what you’re doing and consuming, and you’re in a good head space.

BE IN A GOOD HEADSPACE.

Which is kind of like a good LIFE lesson to begin with. Don’t use drugs to bring you into a good headspace. If you’re doing that, you are self-medicating and that’s bad, bad, bad. Only consume mind-altering substances only if you’re ALREADY in a good headspace and feel safe.

NOT MY FIRST HIGH.

They call an adrenaline high a high for a reason. A panic attack involves a big rush of adrenaline, but it is triggered by fear (so like a bad high). The feeling is remarkably similar to being high on weed. Both physiologically and psychologically. Here are the similarities from my experience:

-heightened senses, (but at the same time you’re also numbed to pain…there’s more nuance than I let on)

-inability to form short term memories,

-inability to focus,

-problem solving (due to above) is basically impossible (hi, this is why i wasn’t doing well in school),

-giggly tendencies (I’ve definitely had panic attacks where I’m laughing and freaking out, and laughing about me freaking out),

-and also, the effects won’t kill you even if you feel like it could. You just gotta ride it out or take some CBD to bring you down.

Differences from my experience:

-When an anxiety attack hits, I always have a compulsion to run away (like run and run and run and run) VS being stoned and just wanting to sit down.

-Anxiety makes food completely unappealing and if I eat too much, it will make me incredibly nauseous. Munchies makes everything taste so good and I don’t get the full feeling – and I hate the “I feel so stuffed my future is to become foie gras” feeling.

-Anxiety attacks make me feel like I can’t breathe.

FEELING OF CONTROL VS. OUT-OF-CONTROL IS EVERYTHING

An anxiety attack is like a spontaneous high out of the blue, that’s is triggered by extreme fear because your brain’s sensors are a little out of whack (too sensitive). The trigger could be anything (generalized anxiety), or it could be a very specific thing. Regardless, it’s triggered by a negative thought. Thoughts you feel you are not in control of.

If you’re going after an adrenaline rush, such as going sky-diving, you are CHOOSING to partake in this activity. You feel in control of the experience. Your body releases a high because your body thinks you’re about to die (you are in a life threatening situation after all).

An anxiety attack is your body trying to defend itself by switching into survival mode. Having these attacks at inconvenient times is not helpful and can negatively influence your functionality as a human being. This is why you can’t go to work on high or drunk. You can’t think properly. You feel as if you might be losing your mind. You can’t think properly either if you have a mental illness. A good high versus a bad high is about feeling in control, and whether you have a positive trigger or negative trigger. Pretty sure that’s it.

Until next time!

x.

kl

Transcript:

Karen Lee:

Fuck. Ate too much weed cupcake.

I feel like I can’t get out of this modern art museum.

Man, so I bought the medium cupcake for 3 people. But Laura I guess didn’t eat much. Soooo this was too much space cake for lil ol me because the math just don’t add up! I ate more than I was supposed to….

This is gonna take me hours to get out of here

I keep freaking out that I forgot my backpack somewhere but then remembered I took it to bag check.

Hmm… also now that I think about it…I had some cake, didn’t feel anything an hour later, so I ate more cake.

Holy. Fuck.

I know exactly what this feels like.

This is how I feel when i have an adrenaline rush!!!!!!!

This whole time I could have made my parents do weed to experience why I wasn’t a functional human!!!!!

Friend:

Hahahahahaha

Omg Karen these texts are great

Karen Lee:

My short term memory is seriously whacked. My limbs are kinda tingly and….Idk what else. But like THIS WAS LIKE TO LIVE AS ME! THIS IS A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK.

EXCEPT…when you’re brain does this to you naturally, you don’t know where it came from so anxious panic. But now I’m like oh, yup. That stupid cupcake. Sweet delicious cupcake.

Well, you kind of know where it comes from in your brain…it’s your continuous anxious thoughts escalating until your body LITERALLY feels like it needs to switch into auto-pilot survival mode, because the world is LITERALLY ending

Hmm…. and both make me feel like I can’t eat food

Which I guess is interesting because perhaps this funny tummy rumble that I think of as DONT EAT other people perceive this to be a rumble of hunger…

I’m not giggly, but weed does make some people giggly, and I was SUPER giggly during my panic attacks…. my panic attacks were literal HIGHS my body gave me to help defeat the world burning down

Good lord I feel like I’m having one of those cliche “mind blown/ big life secret revealed” moment that happen on tv when the one stoner goes off and has a moment.

Oh god. There’s a pretentious art student critique happening. And it is actually happening like it is one of those terrible indie films I love. Uhh I think she just QUOTED someone. This sounds like it was scripted because terrible indie terrible script. But it’s NOT scripted. This person is real and very awful.

OH MY GOD SHE SOUNDS LIKE AN ART ESSAY. DEAR LORD. MAKE IT STOP.

“You’re constantly looking. Blah blah blah, the angle you really look at it determines your perspective. I feel an overwhelmence of media saturation. Not much about art that is subjective. This piece puts you IN the art. If you take a picture of it, you become part of it, and then you change the meaning. What happens in a picture is not what happened in real life.” RE: framed mirror art piece

Also, I understand the munchies. Everything tastes better and I didn’t get the full feeling.

But like seriously, holy fuck. I was basically trying to get through life and school while involuntarily high.