It’s Not Me, It’s You: Underwear Styles That Suck
Like majority of humanity, I am in search for the elusive perfect pair of underwear. No matter how many squats I do, I’ve concluded I will never have a butt. (Additionally, my butt is the sweatiest part of me, so whatever muscle I build up melts off immediately.*) Some people have big butts. And other people have an inbetweeny butt. No manufacturer can make every butt happy, I know. But for the only butt I have ever known, I would like to share with you the worst underwear purchases I have ever made.
Retailers/brands need to sell trial grab bags so that you can try every style and then you can use a coupon to buy a bunch of the ones that work for you.
Unsolicited Travel Tip:
For extended trips, bring twice as much underwear as you need because doing laundry is a pain. Going away from school with 1.5 weeks worth of underwear wasn’t enough. By the end of the week I found I’d have a small pile of underwear and not much else to wash. It isn’t worth it to spend 1.50 Euros and use an entire pod of detergent on a teeny load of laundry.
AND! Shopping for underwear is SO HARD in a foreign country. My usual brands were WAY too expensive and I swear, everything else I could find was uncomfortable looking (pure lace, polyester, unbreathable, unnecessarily strappy, etc). It actually got the point where I asked my European friends if everyone just wears sexy underwear on the daily, or if everyone just spent 30 Euros on a pair of knickers. The middle market was seriously lacking.
The most cost effective solution I came up with was to ship MeUndies to Italy. Sounds super extra, I know, but like at least I knew they had good reviews and a satisfaction guarantee. Return policies are not as good in Europe, like once I found out I wouldn’t be able to return new and unused underwear I was out. I’m not making a purchase unless you stand behind your product. Nordstroms and Anthropologie have spoiled me.
Lululemon Namastay Put Hipster —–
If I could think of the list of the worst things I’ve spent money on, this pair of undies comes to mind. I thought they were going to be the magical pair of line-less underwear under leggings. I’ve never worn anything that wants to assassinate my butt cheeks like these. From size ‘S’ being too big, to the unbreathable nature of the fabric, to the worst wedgies I’ve ever experienced, Lululemon, these are a torture device. I bought mine a few years ago, but judging from the reviews people are still hating them.
Calvin Klein – Modern Boyshort ⭐️⭐️—
I think an XS would have been better, but they never stock them. The fabric is amazing, which is what convinced me to spend too much on these. Also, all the cool girls were wearing them. So off I went to Urban Outfitters.
They fit weird. I’m not the only one, some reviewers on Shopbop also concur.
These get two stars because the waist band and fabric are really good quality. However, the mild wedgy is less than desirable. I would like to try the bikini style of these for the fabric, but now that they these come in a rainbow of colors, I’m gonna wait for the weird colors to go on sale.
$30 later, I’ve concluded that boyshorts from any brand are not for me. My ass and I are done with this cut.
VS Pink Seamless Hipsters and No Show Cheekster ⭐️—-
I decided to try the laser-cut fabric once again. Hipsters/cheeksters are not for me. They look like they’d be comfortable but they wreak havoc as soon as I start moving any part of my lower body.
The seamless bikini is the most consistent and reliable pair of underwear that I buy from Victoria’s Secret (both labels included). However, it’s cousin the seamless hipster is garbage.
Life lesson: More fabric does not mean more comfort. I’ve stopped caring about VPL and so should you.
Calvin Klein High-Cut Leg Bikini ⭐️⭐️⭐️ —
It’s you, but it also might be me
Bikinis are always safe for me. I like the big elastic waistbands because they don’t roll and don’t usually show seams. Anyways, something about the cut of these make these ride up.
Le sigh. There we have it. My favorite pairs right now are a discontinued Calvin Klein. They’re cotton-blend, bikini/hipster hybrid, thick lace waistband. I know they won’t last forever. My dream pair of undies would be bikini, have the softness of a synthetic, but the breathability of cotton and a flat non-rolling lace waistband, and of course, NO WEDGIES! MeUndies has something close, but I’m not a fan of thongs. MeUndies are good though, I just wish that they had more “invisible” colors. The black waistbands and bold colors don’t disappear under light colored clothing. The fabric is pretty great though. If you want to try them out, make sure you follow this link for 20% off.
If anyone has any suggestions/magic solutions please share! May your lives be filled with moments where you don’t notice your underwear.
*Yes, I know this isn’t how biology works, but let me be melodramatic okay?